Brokenness

Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for.
Brokenness is what I need....

Those are lyrics from a pretty simple song (lyrics-wise), and I am making them my prayer. I need to be broken. I'm giving the Lord the next few years. It's such a long story of His redemption of my life, saving me from the things I thought would give me what I wanted and needed. He's on a rescue mission for me, and He's not stopping. I'm not going to fight Him anymore. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is near to the broken-hearted.." I am not going into this alone. I will not come out alone. I will not lie down in silence anymore! I'm tired of not having a voice...of not experiencing the love I know is promised...I'm tired of trying to earn my way through life, tired of doing and not enough being. I'm tired of living wounded. I can't pretend I'm not anymore.

Side thought along with that, I'm kind of excited   This life is going to change soon, and I am ON MY WAY BACK HOME!!!! But while I am still a long way off, my father sees me and is filled with compassion for me. He is RUNNING to me and is embracing me in his arms with a kiss, welcoming me home.

Couple thoughts

Hi gang :)

I wanted to say a couple things. I don't really know why I'm writing, I just feel like I should. First, if you're a friend of mine, I love you. I don't think I say that enough to you. No matter how often or little we talk or how things seem from time to time, I am really thankful for you in my life and always will be. I tend to feel lonely and all I have to do is think of you and it lifts my spirit. Love love love to you!

With this wonderful warm weather (63 today???) and that spring feeling which thrills me SO much, I'm feeling more alive. This usually happens in spring and fall, my two favorite seasons. There's something special about spring, though. New beginnings, things that were dead are starting to come alive, layers of clothes aren't needed anymore, and I start to feel more free. This year has a lot more meaning for me in that area. It was amazing though, for the 7 minutes I was outside today   I get caught in my own little world thinking most things are about me and what happens in my life, and I get one look at the blue sky today and see a glimpse of how big this world is and it completely changes my perspective. And it reaffirms that this world is a beautiful place, intricately created and wonderfully designed. It reminds me that there is no possible, conceivable way this world and us could have come together without a master creator. Seriously. Take a walk outside for 10 minutes and you should see that. When days like today remind me of that, I feel so foolish and humbled to be wrapped up in my own little world. There's something much bigger and better out there for all of us. Bigger and better than we can ever imagine. In this world, however, we've got a little thing to do on our part. We've got to give up our life in order to actually FIND life. Crazy, isn't it?

That's still my quest for however long I'm on this earth. I'm out for full and abundant life. I'm not saying that to be selfish and self-seeking, only wanting the best life for me b/c it's comfortable or something like that. Jesus said he came so that we could have life, and have it to its fullest. Sweet deal! Somehow, though, praying a simple prayer doesn't get me there. It's quite the journey I've undertaken   What's awesome is that I have a promised traveling Companion, who will never leave my side and who will not ask me to walk through dark and lonely places alone. He's going wherever I am, and He's showing me the way. He's giving me clothes on my back and food for my mouth and water for my tongue. He lets me cry on His shoulder and He cries with me when I'm hurt or angry or disappointed. He counts my tears and wipes them away. He holds me when I need to be held. He laughs with me when I "make an idiot" out of myself and loves me for my ways. He sits with me in the silences when we don't have to talk, because He knows exactly what I'm thinking. He'll rest with me, He'll walk with me, He'll play with me. He carries me when I'm too tired to walk, and when I can't see the next step in front of me, He lights my path. He wards off the enemy who tries to misdirect my steps and throw obstacles in my way. He fights like a warrior for me when I have no strength and when I am afraid of the attacks. He knows I'm going to screw up and He teaches me beautiful things out of an ugly situation. He loves me no matter how many times I'm wrong or how many times I mess things up. I can't earn His love or unending forgiveness, He just gives it to me because He loves me. And when I look at Him....my breath is taken away by how much incredible, fierce, tender, strong, beautiful love I see in His face for me. His heart is for me, I can see it in His eyes when He looks at me. How amazing is my traveling Companion??!!!

And that's only the beginning of my feeble description of Him...

We're in the middle of Blizzard Central right now, through most of this weekend. Last weekend we got a good 8-12 inches, and we're expecting another 17-19 by Friday night.

After work yesterday I stayed to work out. It ended up being 11pm by the time I left the club. It was snowing pretty heavily when I came outside, and the parking lot was empty, minus my car and a few others. It was so incredibly beautiful. There was something about the fresh, white snow whirling through the air and the untouched, white blanket of a parking lot. I started my car and the thawing process, and ran and danced in the whiteness, not caring who saw me or what I looked like. I was able to dance for my King, and praise Him in the beautiful white of His creation.

Today as I was trudging to my door in more snow up to my knees, I couldn't stop laughing. First of all, how fun would it have been to flop sideways in that much snow? Second, God was showing me more of Himself and His power and beauty and imagination, and it was a gift. It's amazing.

I love snow! But I love the Creator more. It simply isn't worth it to worship the creation. What an empty life.

The Valley

There's a valley set in front of me
Dark and gloomy, shadow-laden
I see my shame and fear
Lurking near my heavy burdens

One step forward, I lose my balance
Struggle to find my feet again
Turning to the Man beside me
I tell him that it can't be done.

Gently I feel strength return to me
As he clasps my trembling hand
His warm voice sweeps over me
As I hear him say, "Yes it can."

"I want to walk with you
Won't you let me hold your hand?
I will never leave your side

Because it's you and me, into the depths
Of what you've always known
This is not the life I planned for you
If you walk with me, I will make you alive.

Won't you walk with me?
Won't you walk with me?

Weak and scared I take his hand
Nail-scarred with love
I don't know how we'll reach the end
But somehow he does.

When the going is tough, and I fear for my life
When I want to turn back and run
He's always calming my fears
And drying my tears
This new life has only begun

He says
I want to walk with you
Won't you let me hold your hand?
I will never leave your side

Because it's you and me, into the depths
Of what you've always known
This is not the life I planned for you
If you walk with me, I will make you alive.

Won't you walk with me?
Won't you walk with me?

Aaah life...

Can't live with it, can't exactly live if it's not there...

I'm just realizing how crazy, and unpredictable, and hard, and amazing life can be. I will be the first to admit I don't get it, probably never will while I'm alive. But I had one of those "defining" moments as I was driving to a sexual harrassment course for work yesterday   The feeling that this life is not about me came. Now I've had this feeling many many MANY times before, so I'm not sure why this one was different. But when I honestly realized that this world wasn't created for me, it's not about how much $ I earn, not who I marry, not how wonderful my kids will be, not what I can get out of this world. Sure, good stuff happens and we were meant to have a full and abundant life. I'm kinda on this quest for a full and abundant life by the way...  But seriously, I am drop in a huge pail of humanity. All I'm hoping is that my drop will be one that makes a difference instead of blending in with the rest of everyone's.

I'm just writing nonsense right now because I am not gonna go deep about what's really going on. There's too much. That's me and God territory. But I do want to post for a couple reasons: number one, to prove that I am alive and well. Number two, to share a bit of my thought process of life right now. And number three, to help me process some things. I love journaling, but typing comes much faster and sometimes I feel I got more out.

I'm not where I thought I would be right now, but I have that weird sense it's exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's not easy, but I'd be scared if it was. It's kind of exciting!! I can't wait to see what's in store.